I never used to celebrate birthdays. Birthday parties stopped shortly after you became a teenager and since then it was just another day. Another 24 hours; 1,440 minutes; or 86,400 seconds. I never used to even tell people that my birthday was approaching because I didn’t want others to think that I expected to receive something. I never did. Every birthday between 14 or 15 years old and 22 went uncelebrated.

What changed at 22 wasn’t a newfound awareness of life but a rediscovery of what was always there. It is often recommended that if you are to hide anything, hide it in plain sight. Our eyes fail to capture the visual cues of the world right in front of us, so we seek to find the answers or the beauty elsewhere. I gained a greater appreciation for what I’ve always had. To some, it may not be much but to me it meant the world: an overbearing (and over caring) mother, a tirelessly hardworking father, three irreplaceable brothers, and a family of friends, colleagues, and mentors who I love wholeheartedly. 

Life is not perfect. It never is. But as I am approaching my 26th birthday I am confronted with an overwhelming sense of relief that nothing ever is. That as much as some of us wish to rid ourselves of our baggage we never will. What we could do is choose to develop the skills to manage this baggage comfortably, so that we can still lead a fulfilling and happy life. I first discovered this at 22 and recalled it every year after. 

I carry a past that undeniably informs the present day. However, what I hope to express is that the steps we take today and into tomorrow, while connected to our past, are not determined by it. I am days away from my 26th birthday. Where I am from many fail to see their 25th and as I continue to enter new spaces, I remind myself to enter these spaces anew. To reinvent myself and become better, and ultimately, to model these experiences for others and provide them with the courage to take a chance on themselves. 

I celebrate my birthday now and I am going to use those 86,400 seconds to do something great, or nothing at all. Either way I’ll be at peace with myself and in love with everyone and everything around me. You have a choice in how you choose to live your life. Why would you choose anything other than happy?

Eleven-year-olds know how to live. These pre-teens exude an excitement and curiosity for life that we tend to lose as we mature. I confronted this realization after I started a relationship with an eleven-year-old that could potentially be life-changing, for me and hopefully for him. As I began this relationship, I reflected on my childhood. I sadly do not remember everything about eleven-year-old Clayton but I remember the occasional video game and the beatings siblings share. I won a couple, lost many (as you usually do when you have two older brothers). I remember what the city felt like then: street lights and flashing fluorescent bulbs that whizzed by blinking red and blue. I remember being overweight and being teased. Here I stand more than ten years later, walking alongside an eleven-year-old who reminds me of myself. 

He dreams big. He’s curious and isn’t afraid to let his mind wander. He laughs at himself and loves his family. He’s shy and hesitant. His smile is infectious. He can change the world, if he so chooses. He has allowed me to reflect on my life. I looked back and glanced at the moments that pushed me to the edge; the moments that, however extreme and uncomfortable, empowered me to confront my potential.

It first happened when my Humanities substitute teacher in high school pulled me to the side and said, “Clayton, you don’t realize your potential.” My grades were slipping and he felt compelled to talk to me. After this I better understood my role. It happened again years later when my college advisor encouraged me to remain focused during a time when I was becoming distracted. And again after I moved to Los Angeles and developed relationships that held me accountable. I now understand how others help foster individual self-awareness, engender confidence, and one’s belief in self. These are values I hope to impart to my new friend, in hopes that he can carry these further than I ever can and then change the world as a result. 

“You’re walking down a street or you sit down somewhere and suddenly the whole Universe is there.” Paulo Coelho, Aleph

Paulo Coelho describes the Aleph as a point where our energy aligns with the energies of the Universe, resulting in a sensation and oneness that is often indescribable. An even greater Aleph occurs when this moment is shared with another person, and their combined energies, aligned with the Universe, provide an enlightenment not often experienced. This is where a Destiny is revealed. I, admittedly, have experienced Alephs here and there and have felt the comfort and sensation it comes with. This feeling provides clarity and almost instantaneously everything in life makes sense. Coelho describes this as, “You’re walking down a street or you sit down somewhere and suddenly the whole Universe is there … You know that you are understanding something that you can’t even explain yourself.” This understanding, however, is fostered through a keen awareness of our physical space – the Universe – and of the connections we create with others within this space.

The Universe exudes different energies. The physical spaces we move through daily are in constant flux with our own energy. Coelho adds that, for example, party-goers often feel safer in one part of a room than in another. That space enables them to feel more confident, and passersby feel this energy emanate from this small Aleph. This leads me to ask: how linked is our happiness to the Universe we exist in? How often do we challenge ourselves to explore new spaces, in an effort to find the elusive Aleph? Only through challenging ourselves to enter new spaces do we begin to experience a difference that deepens our openness to the world. This openness, in turn, allows us to turn inward and begin confronting our potential. This individual self-awareness is, however, enhanced when we enter these spaces with others.

The greater Aleph is an alignment between the Universe, our personal energy, and a third energy: other people. When two people are in tune with each other and pass through a small Aleph, a dynamism emerges that reflects an even greater force. Coelho describes these moments as ones directly tied to Destiny. These people are either lovers whose attraction creates a positive tension rooted in their relationship moving forward, or they are chosen to meet to achieve a greater mission together that cannot be accomplished alone. As we challenge ourselves to enter new spaces we need to also understand the relationships we develop with others throughout these experiences. These relationships act as mirrors, revealing to us something about ourselves that we only learn through other people.

We often come across missed opportunities when we are unaware of our surroundings or of the value others bring into our lives. If anything, our search for the Aleph is an inevitable search rummaging through our souls. It is a tireless journey to understand who we are through the Universe and through other people. Sometimes we stumble into it by accident where time and space collide and we confront a realization that leaves us with greater clarity. Other times we come across it by choice, by actively creating the opportunities for time and space to crash into each other. How aware are you of your space and of the connections you make with other people? How often do you challenge yourself to experience something new? What opportunities have you sought to see yourself through other people? 

We can choose to experience these Alephs more often if we open our hearts and our minds to the world around us and to the people within it.

“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.”  Tony Robbins, Motivational Speaker

How we communicate is based on the experiences that shape our beliefs and our understanding. Communication then is a by-product of the lives we lead. A few weeks ago an intern of mine walked into the office disheveled. When I asked him what was wrong he responded that the supervisor at his other internship let him go. He added that this supervisor’s personality and managerial approach made it difficult for him to communicate with. I talked to him and suggested how I believe he could best use this as a learning experience. I recommended that moving forward he should use these spaces to gauge and learn how different people communicate, and to also have frank conversations about communication styles. With these considerations in mind we can all begin gaining and refining the skills to communicate clearly and effectively.

Experience is the best teacher. The only way to learn how to manage and deal with the ways varying personalities communicate is to connect with different kinds of people. We often choose to surround ourselves with like-minded individuals and while this fosters comfort and connectedness, it hinders our ability to experience what different-minded folks have to offer: varied opinions and diverse perspectives to name a few. My advice: seek out people with other backgrounds and with experiences unlike your own. These unlikely connections will not only help you develop the skills to communicate to and with a wide variety of people but they will deepen your own self-awareness. These experiences broaden communication skills and should also inform how you perceive those around you.

Let’s face it: we all make assumptions. Assumptions are often wired as part of our defense mechanism. They allow us to develop ideas about how we believe people behave and act. Through subtle interactions, be they limited or nonexistent, our minds register thoughts that almost instantaneously place labels on people and people in boxes. This also applies to how we assume people communicate. Fortunately the assumptions we make of people and how they communicate has its limits. We can no more assume how people will react than we could read minds. As a result, open and honest conversations about your communication style and those of people around you greatly strengthen these relationships, be they personal or professional. While it is nearly impossible to stop assuming and stop generalizing this does not mean you cannot create the spaces to ground inferences in fact.

Each of us develops a communication style that is uniquely ours. How we communicate strengthens or hinders our message, which means we need to better understand our own style and those of others around us. Connecting with diverse groups of people sharpens our understanding of how others prefer to communicate. Creating spaces to openly talk about communication preferences breaks down the assumptions we make, allowing us to better navigate these connections. To suggest that our style does not influence our message is naïve. In this case, the how is just as important as the what.

For those bullied, and those bullies.

He sat in a corner.
Doodled the daisies hidden deep in
his dungeons.
Dandelions danced to his doom.
He etched away-
Scribbles scratched in his sketch
pad became the scars that cut
too deep for his skin. 
Unsettled stories seeped
through broken-tipped pencils
covering a truth his
heart knew.

His daisies sat idle
as harsh winds tore the pedals
he counted. Lovers that will never be.
Love that will never breathe,
His fertility soiled
by outer insecurities.

His deep browns bore a sunken despair.

Not-so gentle pushes were purple
bruises that lucid tears could not cover.
Long sleeve shirts wrapped around swollen knuckles.
Heavy, wool sweaters draped over his back
while others poked and prodded.

His colors dazzled. Daisies,
big and small, wide and thin,
shined when the sun sat highest,
but as the light cascaded away, the pedals
began to fall with each push
and thrust and poke. He sat in a corner.
Doodled as the daises hidden deep
in his dungeon were dying to be discovered.

He refused to hang out.
There he hangs now.

Black leather belt fastened around his neck.

There’s a pendulum in his closet,
it slowly swings.
Left to right.
Right to left.
His small feet dangled,
scratching the wooden floor, sketching
a dance of tip-toes that in time
will stop, as most pendulums do
when they swing, left to right.
Right to left.

He found some middle ground.
The swing stopped dead center.
Salvation; daisies he doodled were no
longer drawn on sketch pads, he danced
with the dandelions and plucked pedals
for would-be lovers with no worries,
or worn shoulders bearing a world
he never belonged to.

He no longer sat in a corner. Free.

People are struggling with their weight today more than ever before. The take-all-you-can-approach that has defined American culture and consumption has increased our waist size and shortened our lives. The diseases and illnesses that accompany being overweight or obese afflict communities today and continue to grow, especially in communities of color. While we can debate about how our bodies have ballooned in the last couple decades, a few small lifestyle changes today can right the course and help us combat the illnesses we will inevitably face.

I understand what it is like to struggle with being overweight, and the damage that follows: bullying, low self-esteem, and poor self-image, to name a few. Through rigorous exercise, proper nutrition, and positive support, I dropped more than 100 pounds, decreased my body fat percentage from 28.6 to 9.5, and lengthened my life by who knows how many years.

While there are no clear-cut formulas to dropping the weight, packing the muscle, and getting lean, the following are some general recommendations that can help you get on the right track:

1. Drink water.
Get rid of the soda. Soda is full of empty calories that contribute zilch to nutrition. Get rid of the juice. Juice is still processed and often times contain too much sugar, unless of course you are squeezing the juice yourself try to refrain from drinking that glass of Minute Maid. Last but not least, abstain from alcohol consumption. Those mixed drinks pack a lot of sugar and empty calories. While light beers are okay and wine good every once in a while, your body may benefit from a full cleanse.

Drinking water will help give your body what it needs to replenish itself, and will cleanse your body from the waste that’s been stored there. Also, your skin will love you afterwards, I promise.

2. Count your calories.
This may sound like it’s over the top but everyone should count calories for at least a couple weeks to a month. In counting calories you notice trends in your eating habits. Once you identify these trends you can begin to make the needed adjustments. Sign up for one of the popular applications that help you track your nutritional intake. I especially recommend My Fitness Pal, which helps you monitor your exercise and nutrition and provides additional resources to help you on your path.

The more adamant you are about counting calories the more you will learn about how your body responds. After a while, you begin to develop the ability to approximate the calories of any foods you eat, making counting them pointless. Reinforcing these positive habits help you break the cycle of poor eating and promote a relationship with food.

3. Cook your meals.
When possible, do as much of your cooking as you can. The best way to change your relationship with food is to familiarize yourself with how to cook it. Our reliance on fast food chains and restaurants has separated us from deepening our understanding around the foods we choose to eat.

There are several lessons learned when you cook your own food. First: you learn about portions. If it all fits comfortably on a regular size plate then you’re probably good to go. If food is falling over or resembling the leaning tower of Piza then you probably have too much food on your plate. Second: sometimes we can improve our nutrition not by drastically changing what we eat but instead how we prepare it. For example, chicken is not bad for you and is of course a good source of protein, except when it is fried.

After writing these I noticed that they all have to do with what goes in your body, and rightly so. I cannot underscore enough how important nutrition is. Many of us exercise or lead very active lifestyles but our poor nutrition means we already burn off the bad calories we consume and arrive at some balance but never achieve our goals. Then there’s another group of us who live sedentary lifestyles and what we eat digs us deeper into a hole we cannot get out of, consuming calories that over time pack the bulge. While these three recommendations are not the silver bullet, they are good pointers to keep in mind for people dedicating (or re-dedicating) themselves to living a better lifestyle. And of course, everything in moderation!